AIM Banned, Doctors Surgically Reattach Buttocks

Richmond, VA – The popular internet messaging system was forced to suspend operation Monday, pending an investigation by the FTC. Used primarily by 8-20 year olds, the program has become an integral part of modern internet culture. Users of the system have developed a language of their own, consisting of oft-complex acronyms and “emoticons.” The incident called to the FTC’s attention occurred Tuesday night. Billy Chapman, 12, was im-ing his “buddy” Charles Frontworth, 12. “Things seemed to be going fine, we were chatting about school and stuff, we do it all the time,” Chapman estimates he im-ed Frontwort about 6 times a week.

“I started telling [Charles] about a silly face my dog was making, and he was like ‘lol’ [ed. Internet lingo for ‘laughing out loud”] and that’s when things started to get bad.” Chapman claims to have begun telling Charley about other idiosyncrasies involving his dog, causing the young canine enthusiast to respond with the acronym “rotf,” internet lingo for “rolling on the floor.” “I was like, man, that’s weird, Charley never gets that worked up about something.” Inspired by his buddy’s amusement, Billy continued his stories. “Before I knew it Charley said he was ‘rotflmao.’” Young Charley had given the internet code for “rolling on the floor laughing [his] ass off.”

At 10:45 pm, Dora Frontworth, mother of Charles knocked on the boy’s door to see if he was still awake. “At first I didn’t hear anything, so I assumed he was asleep. I was just about to turn away when I heard faint whimpering from inside, so I opened the door, and… and that’s when I saw it,” says and exasperated Mrs. Frontworth, recalling Sunday nights accident. What she found inside her son’s room was gruesome beyond compare. Charley lay on the floor, some three feet away from his ass.

“This isn’t the first case of what we like to call ‘Pyga-deruptus,’ or ‘broke-ass syndrome for short. We’ve seen many incidents before, mostly attributed to heavy drinking and the comedy of Sinbad,” says Dr. Merriam Weavy of the USBB (United States Buttocks Bureau), “but there has been a marked increase since the advent of AIM.”

“Its funny ‘cause its true,” exclaimed an excited Sinbad.

Doctors at Richmond County Hospital were able to reattach the left cheek of Frontworth’s rump, and the majority of the right cheek. There is a lesson to be learned from all of this, but damned if I know what it is.







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