Pentagon Report Finds Nuclear Weapons Are “Solution For Everything”

Washington, DC – In a key Pentagon document recently made public, known as the Nuclear Posture Review, nuclear weapons were determined to be the solution for every possible military problem ever. The document, which outlines development and deployment strategies for America’s nuclear arsenal, found that nuclear weapons should be the centerpiece of every campaign henceforth.

“Oh yeah, conventional weaponry, yeah, sure, sure,” said one top Pentagon official, “hey, we like that stuff. But nukes are just great. You’ve got nukes that can bust open underground facilities and bunkers, nukes to take out whole city-wide installations, whatever you need. They’re a lot like duct tape in their versatility, except they blow stuff up.”

President Bush was quick to endorse the findings of the Review. “I think the report is indictative of how fast we could whup the war on terrorism if they just let me use the nukuler weapons. Hell, we wouldn’t have to find Bin Laden – we’d just vaporize his ass. Drop ‘em all in a big grid, see, and he’d never get out alive.”

When asked about the potential loss of thousands or even millions of human lives from the use of nukes as all-around problem solvers, Bush commented, “Ahh, there’s nuthin to worry about – all our guys are in planes way up high overhead!”







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