Particle Rights Group Demands Ban On "Cruel" Collider Experiments

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The activist group People for the Ethical Treatment of Subatomic Particles, commonly known as PETSAP, began lobbying Congress yesterday to introduce a bill that would ban "particle collider" experiments in which streams of particles are smashed together at near the speed of light to study their properties.

"It's extremely cruel!" said the PETSAP spokesman. "These particles are shoved into constricting electromagnetic fields against their will, accelerated relativistically, and slammed together until they break apart into their components! Would you like it if someone did that to you? Electrons have feelings too, you know!"

The spokesman went on to describe Fermilab as "a slaughterhouse" and demand that the government immediately shut it down and ban all similar laboratories. Nuclear power plants were also decried as comparable to "slave labor."

Proponents of collider experiments point out that particles lack any sort of nervous system and that they are constantly created and destroyed in nature. They also point out that, due to the principle of matter-energy conservation, no particles are ever actually destroyed.

PETSAP's last major action was a raid on a Russian nuclear facility in which they attempted to "free the oppressed particles." The raid resulted in a core meltdown, and the surrounding valley had to be completely evacuated. PETSAP claimed a victory "for particles everywhere."







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