U.S. Buttocks Bureau Contributes To Humanitarian Effort In Afghanistan

Kabul, Afghanistan - Even as bombers and missiles from American and British forces struck targets in Afghanistan yesterday, helicopters painted with the distinctive brown and pink markings of the USBB, the United States Buttocks Bureau, flew low over Afghani villages and towns, dropping pamplets entitled “How To Save One’s Ass” and “How To Cover One’s Butt During A Bombing Raid” as part of the US humanitarian aid effort accompanying the bombing.

The USBB, which normally serves domestic functions, including preventing people from laughing their asses off and, during criminal investigations, kicking ass and taking names, has taken a leading role in the effort of the US government to make it clear domestically and abroad that the US is fighting terrorists and those who support them, not the Afghani people.

“At the receiving end of a military campaign, your ass is grass if you’re not careful,” said Rear Admiral Howard Heiniebum, head of the USBB. “While feces make good fertilizer, we’d like to make sure the populace’s rectums don’t get turned into landscaping material. You could say we bust ours to save theirs.”

When asked whether the USBB should be playing such a role outside it’s normal functions, Heiniebum commented: “Many in our business believe we should turn the other cheek. But that’s difficult, as they’re right next to each other, and you can’t really flex them separately. Now is the time for action. And rumps.”

In fact, it always time for rumps.







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