American Government Declares "War On Anthrax"

Washington, D.C. - In light of the recent outbreak of incidents involving the bacteria Bacillus anthracis, also known as anthrax, Congress has signed into law a new bill declaring war on the fearsome disease. The new bill allocates millions of dollars to an emergency fund dedicated to finding ways to stop or kill the bacterium, and has already seen promising results.

"We've discovered that anthrax bacteria are not nearly as resilient as everyone believed," said Dr. Dunlop Smith, head researcher on the project. "For example, tests have shown that an ordinary grenade round from an M-209 grenade launcher is extremely effective against the bacteria. .22 caliber rounds, land mines, and cluster bombs have also produced very positive results."

Crack teams of Army Rangers have already begun training to deal with any further anthrax attacks. "The 209th Germ Warfare Warfare Battalion managed to destroy 100% of all bacteria on a test range during a training exercise," Dr. Smith noted. "They also destroyed most of the test range, but the exercise was an overall success."

Meanwhile, pacifist groups say that the "War on Anthrax" can never possibly succeed, and that more peaceful methods should be used to deal with the anthrax. "We can't simply eradicate every bacterium on the planet," stated a protestor who wishes to remain anonymous. "What we need to do is look at our policies at home, abroad, and in the test tube, and ask ourselves, 'Why are these bacteria attacking us? What have we done to anger them?'"

A top U.S. ambassador was sent into a sealed room along with a sample of anthrax in an attempt to negotiate with the malady; unfortunately, no progress has yet been made.







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