A very special Where Are They Now? The third in a sometime series.
ET, 20 Years Later, No Longer Holding Head High

It has been twenty years since a benign little alien touched our hearts with a radioactive finger, and left a permanent mark in our psyche and culture. Steven Spielberg’s “E.T.: The Extraterrestrial,” just released back into theaters for its twentieth anniversary, once again shows us the meaning of what it is to discover family, love, and fear of biohazard space suits all over again. But just as ET had to leave Earth behind, so has childhood deserted the young extra-terrestrial actor everyone came to love. Twenty years later, the Fine Line Online has caught up with ET, only to learn of the terrible fate he now suffers.

We phoned ET at his home – the ET home phone, if you will. A caretaker answered.
“Hello, ET’s residence. Who’s calling, please?”
“Donald Rumsfeld, for Time Magazine. It’s vital for national security that I interview Mr ET. Immediately. Who am I speaking to?”
“Drew Barrymore’s Childhood Innocence.”
“Oh, so that’s where it got to … alien abduction, huh?”
“Something like that. Anyway, I’m afraid it will be difficult for you to interview ET … he’s not in a condition to use a phone properly. His neck is too long.”

With some shock, we learnt that that over the course of the past twenty years, ET’s extending neck became hyper-extended, growing from its original length of roughly 10 inches to well over 5 feet. Medication and surgery have slowed the growth, but it still grows roughly 4 inches every year, making mobility more and more difficult. ET’s small heart cannot pump blood to such heights, and so he is forced to lie on the floor, his neck and head on the floor. His immobility has caused him to become very weakened and lazy; since he turned twenty-one he has spent nearly everyday sipping beer out of bottles rolled to him on the floor. Heaps of empty Budweisers surround him.

“He has faced bouts of severe depression; he once even tried to hang himself with his own neck. The attempt failed only because his arms were too short and too weakened to tie the knot tightly enough. After that point, his daily monosyllabic utterings of “Ouuuuuuch” became “Fuuuuuuuuuuck.”

“His state only grows worse,” said Barrymore’s innocence. “I spend most of the day feeding him and putting his torso on the can, dragging his head behind it. I think he wouldn’t feel so hopeless all the time, even in spite of his neck, if his character wasn’t so gender-neutral. There aren’t any other ETs who want to sleep with him, and he knows he looks like an unattractive sack of foam rubber anyway.”

There is no known cure for ET’s condition. Doctors estimate, though, that the fond memories of two generations will cruelly keep him just barely alive for another 30 years or so.







Copyright 2001 The Fine Line Online. See our disclaimer.