Crackdown on Evil Continues At Olympics

Salt Lake City, UT – Faced with an executive order that only “the Good Guys should win,” officials here have been working day and night since the Winter Olympics’ opening ceremony to screen athletes for evilness.

One female luge competitor was disqualified early on in the competition after testing positive for Evil. “It was definitely coursing through her veins,” said IOC spokesman Barry North. “The Olympics are open to every nation and their people, except of course those who are Evil. And let me assure you our methods are very scientific.”

In a more public demonstration of the anti-Evil campaign, Ukranian figure skater Tanya Ivanova was hustled out of the rink by a SWAT team in the middle of her performance after performing a triple-axle of Evil. Further investigation revealed her skates had left a “666” carved in the ice.

When asked during a press conference about the presence of evil at the Olympics, President Bush commented, “What really bothers me is not the concealment of evil by individual competitors, but that the evil competitors have been unnecessarily outspoken about unfair judging. It’s nothing personal, Russia, it’s just that good always wins.”

What is most clear is that under such tight restrictions, evil simply never goes unpunished. One ski jumper was burned at the stake for “devilry-enabled flight” just after he landed; one ski was used for the stake and the other for kindling. Several competitors in the skeleton were arrested for participation in “sports involving necromancy.” An entire bobsled team was sent down the bobsled run without their bobsled after it was found they had greased the sled’s runners with waxes of evil.

“How do we know they were evil? Very simple,” said North. “In the war of Good and Evil, you’re either with us or against us. And all the evil competitors we caught openly admitted wanting to beat America and take the gold medal for their greedy little selves.”







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