Capitalized Pronouns Keep Giving Away Presence Of God

Heaven – Shopping for some snack foods and family-sized bottles of Tide laundry detergent may be a normal weekly activity for many people across the country, but it is not for God. Though he can keep his presence from human sight and hearing, he cannot escape the telltale capitalization of pronouns that those who know He is around use to refer to Him.

"It’s pain in the Holy Ass,” said God. “I’ll be completely invisible, noiseless, even odorless if the situation so demands, and I’ll be rolling up and down the aisles, picking up some Pop Tarts or frozen corn dogs or whatever, and no one would be the wiser. But then some stupid manager will whisper to one of his employees, ‘Don’t tell anyone, but He’s here…’ and think that no one else will who ‘He’ is referring to, but of course the capital H is plainly obvious to anyone within hearing distance, and before you know it, I’m being swamped with fans wanting autographs and blessings and ‘heal this’ and ‘heal that,’ or my favorite, ‘Why did you let such and such happen.’ People are so obnoxious. But it wouldn’t be a problem if the damn pronouns weren’t capitalized.”

God reported that any time he wishes to rent out a space for himself, he has to speak to the management of the building, who without realizing it give away His presence when making the proper calls. The Lord once tried to rent out a movie theater for a private viewing of Bridget Jones’s Diary, but arrived only to find that there actually are people who admire both Hugh Grant and God, and all were in attendance for His presence. At restaurants, God says, cooks are so stunned to find out that He is eating their food that they become ashamed of their cooking and burst into tears – only because some manager accidentally says “He” or “Him” or “That Guy” or “God—I mean, uh, … Damn it!!”

“Therefore I am instituting a new policy,” said The Lord. “Whenever I plan to go out, whoever needs to know I am coming shall refer to me as ‘She,’ or ‘Her.’ The pronouns will still capitalize, but whoever overhears will be really f---ing confused.”







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