Experimental Samples Missing from Hershey Lab

Hershey, PA - A recent internal audit has found that lax bookkeeping and security measures have left up to 30 samples missing and unaccounted for from Hershey's top secret research laboratory here at their corporate headquarters.

Analysts have determined that the samples, if stolen, were probably taken around seven years ago. Most of the samples consisted of vials of "weapons-grade" chocolate, which is heavily purified for use in mass-manufacturing processes and sugar-based reactors. "It's a carefully controlled substance," explained a former Hershey researcher, speaking under condition of anonymity. "You're talking about a ridiculous amount of sugar and cocoa concentrated in a tiny space. One vial dumped into a city's water supply would cause everyone in the city to gain about fifteen to twenty pounds within a week."

Another terror-linked concern is that the chocolate could be used to create an explosive device that would distribute the chocolate over a wide area, a so-called MMM-bomb. Anyone who came in contact with the chocolate would become afflicted with obesity, lethargy, an intense craving for more chocolate, and cancer of the tongue. Lacing of seemingly ordinary chocolates with this super-tasty compound is also a possibility, and authorities are warning the public not to accept any candy from strangers.

Also missing from the lab is a super-hard candy coating that allows bite-sized chocolates to be made into bullet-proof vests, but still melt in your mouth; nougat that can stop a tank in its tracks; and two "unknown" samples that are suspected to be fruit flavorings of an experimental nature, possibly strawberry.







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