Bush Pledges To Increase Spending On Intelligence

The Capitol – Before a surprisingly full house, President Bush delivered the State of the Union address here Tuesday, promising, among other things, to drastically increase funding in four key areas: “bioterrorism, emergency response, airport and border security, and improved intelligence.”

Bush continued: “My budget for improving my intelligence focuses on four key areas: English, Math, Social Studies, and Science. And I say to you tonight, America, that with just a penny more from each of your pockets, I will be able to employ the services of some of the best tutors in the nation, from great schools like Harvard, my alma mater Yale, Princeton, and Stanford.

“With great pride will I come before you again in one year, properly able to not embarrass Ms. Hermis Mou—Moutar – Ms. Whatever yet again by mispronouncing her name. I will show to you in one year, America, that I can correctly pronounce the words ‘nukuler’ and ‘terrrrrr.’

“I will be able to tell you in one year that increasing defense spending is like addition, and forbidding new taxes is like subtraction, and in general spending negative dollars is a bad idea, especially the dollars of people who don’t have that many.”

“I will show to you in one year, America, that just because tonight I claim numerous Democrat and moderate initiatives for my own, and superfluously wave aside party politics, does not mean the opposition will keep quiet or my own party will not horribly mutilate the existing legislation.”

“And I will demonstrate in one year that a missile shield is a technologically impractical and almost infeasible task that will cost you billions and never be put to use because terrorists and the states that support them are smart enough not to launch missiles at us in the first place.”

“But keep in mind this is all in one year, America, and many smart people have told me that most people’s intelligence can’t actually be increased, especially not mine.”







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