Officials Fear Terrorists May Possess Jigsaw Technology

Washington, D.C. - The terrorist organization Al-Qaeda may have acquired and smuggled onto U.S. soil a number of jigsaw-based weapons, warned an official CIA press release today. The release assured that "steps are being immediately taken to prevent the deployment of [these] jigsaws against the United States". This release comes shortly after a declaration from a top Al-Qaeda official that the organization had vowed "to divide the United States from one another, and then to jumble them, so that they could only be reunited with considerable thought, and probably on a rainy afternoon when there's nothing better to do."

The jigsaw threat is very real, but we will not allow the terrorists to succeed," read the CIA report. "Firstly, we have instituted a nationwide ban on jigsaws, bandsaws, and other various types of saws which could pose a threat to our nation's unity. Also, we have rounded up any college geography majors, mapmakers, and people who answered questions under the category 'Geography' correctly on 'Jeopardy', and taken them to a secure location, so that the terrorists won't know where the state lines are to cut along. Finally, with the help of construction companies around the nation, we have begun work on converting Maine, Washington, California, and Florida into 'corner pieces,' so the states will be easier to reassemble if they should become jumbled."

The CIA has also placed 3-day waiting period has been placed on the purchase of jigsaw puzzles, and urges citizens to be on the look out for "people cutting lines in the ground".







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