Ninja Union Declares Strike

Tokyo, Japan – After two weeks of failed negotiations, the United Practitioners of Ninjitsu, local 493, has declared a strike against the various business leaders, politicians, and crime lords who are their typical employers. The stealthy assassins are demanding better wages, safer working conditions, and a dental plan.

Toshiro Inigawa, one of the officials of the union, gave a press conference earlier today. “Everyone simply takes us ninja for granted,” he stated. “Today, we will be heard, unless of course we’re sneaking up on someone to dispatch them silently. With the ninjas on strike, Japan’s economy will grind to a halt; hostile takeovers will be impossible, and so will wreaking revenge on those who swindle you.”

“Oh, and our bosses should also keep in mind that we can kill them all without breaking a sweat, so they should probably listen to us.” Mr. Inigawa then detonated a smoke bomb and slipped away from the conference silently, without leaving a trace.

Many ninjas agree that working conditions are in dire need of improvement. Miyako Takenaka, a 47-year old housewife and mother of two who works part-time as a ninja, is one of them. “It’s surprisingly dangerous work being a ninja, and we need to do something about it,” she said. “Between the katana, shuriken, and various smaller sharp implements I have to carry, there’s a large risk that I could simply trip and impale myself. And don’t get me started on the smoke bombs! Those things go off if you barely touch them, which is very embarrassing in public ‘no smoking’ areas.

“Also, our victims should really show more courtesy for us,” she added. “Just last week, as I was sneaking into a wealthy businessman’s house to banish him to the next life, I was attacked by a guard dog! I still managed to dispatch him, but then I had to get a tetanus shot. So please, if you’re a possible target for a powerful rival, try to make your home as insecure as possible, and leave the window open if you can. You’ll save us a lot of inconvenience.”

"I feel great sympathy for the UPN," commented local man Hopkins Hotchkiss on the situation. "They work hard to bring us mediocre television and...wait, what do ninjas have to do with it?"







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