Report: Physics Classified As “Gateway Science”

Washington, D.C. – In a new report issued by the National Science Foundation, the discipline of physics has been identified as a “gateway science,” the practice of which can lead to harder, more dangerous sciences. The report recommends the establishment of rehabilitation programs for students exposed to physics, and giving the DEA authority to prosecute known physics teachers.

“It’s common knowledge that physics, as the study of the most basic interactions of our world, forms a basis for all other scientific disciplines. We looked at a random sampling of science students from a variety of ‘hard’ disciplines, including biology, chemistry, and environmental sciences, and invariably we found that students of these subjects had been exposed to physics to some degree. Even if physics isn’t dangerous in and of itself, as much of the ‘legalize it’ crowd seems to believe, it’s clear that even recreational study of the most fundamental laws of nature can lead to addiction to more dangerous sciences.”

This report immediately follows the release of a similar report a few months ago which argued that physics was addictive and dangerous. “It was so easy to start,” read one anecdote from the report. “I mean, everyone I knew was already doing physics or had done it months ago – they claimed they only did it to satisfy their prerequisites. So I went to the first class, and there was a demonstration with a TA on a cart, using a fire extinguisher as a rocket! It was so cool – my head was swimming afterwards from all the equations, but somehow I felt like I had to come back to this class.

“Every day, it got harder and harder to resist the urge to go to physics lecture…sometimes I’d go to the same lecture two, three times a day. The rush wasn’t as good the second or third time, but I just kept going anyway…it got really bad. I started skipping my other classes for seminars on quantum chromodynamics, and hanging out all the time by the nuclear accelerator, passing around books of equations with a few grad students…I even got a tattoo that read ‘F=ma’.

“I finally snapped out of it when one of the grad students tried to get me to go to an inorganic chemistry lecture. I mean, physics was one thing, but that chemistry stuff will really mess up your life, man. I’ve seen friends collapse on the floor in seizures after studying organic chem for 12 straight hours…I didn’t want to end up like that.”

The physics community has universally decried the report, calling it “a travesty”; the chemists also seemed insulted, but nobody wanted to get too close to them to ask for an interview.







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