United Sharks Conference on Speciesism and Icthyophobia Overshadowed by People Being Eaten

EASTERN SEABOARD, US -- Infighting and disagreement continued between delegates of the major species as the United Sharks conference came to a close yesterday. Controversy still remained over the labelling of humans as speciesist and whether it was speciesist to eat them in response.

The nine-day event had been a veritable frenzy as the conference, originally meant to provide a peaceful opportunity to promote the image of sharks as majestic, powerful creatures of the deep through K-12 education and Discovery and Nature Channel specials, became a venue for angry shark groups to launch attacks against humans and their speciesist practices. Several people were eaten, leading to criticism of the conference and the pull-out of the small human delegation.

"We could not sit idly by while some delegations hijacked the conference for their own purposes," said Peter Gorbin, an assistant to a deputy undersecretary in the Department of Man-Eating-Beasts-For-Which-There-Are-John-Williams-Themes. "The practices of humans concerning sharks, mainly portraying them as viscious, bloodthirsty maniacs, are not done because of speciesism, only ignorance, fear, and apathy, which are definitely not related to speciesism ... They do not justify the eating of humans, and so we are quitting this disgrace of an event. Plus, we're out of air. Glub, glub."

Conference director Gnashy McChompjaw was more optimistic, however. "In the end, the delegations who came in order to eat people did not dominate the conference. There was a final consensus that the original 'Jaws; was acceptable, the sequel, maybe, but '3' and '4' were just uncalled for."

The leaders of the sharks who attacked the humans defended their policy of ripping off limbs and leaving the limbless human to bleed to death, arguing that human parts were a necessary ingredient in human-limb soup, a shark delicacy and aphrodisiac.







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