One Million Suspects In Stick Figure Murder

Poughkeepsie, NY - Last week’s grisly beheading of stick-figure Tammy Michaels still remains a mystery as police narrow down the extensive suspect list. From eyewitness descriptions the police were able to determine that the killer had a head, two arms, two legs and was extremely thin. This allowed the police to focus their attention to only those in the area that were not amputees, or missing heads. If the murderer was from outside the area, police guarantee a 100% chance that he or she will never be caught. Within the city the chance of finding the perpetrator drops to 99.9%. “There’s a chance that they may turn themselves in,” says Police Chief Bob Thromson, “hey, we’ll take what ever we can get.”

Recent studies indicate that murders of stick-figures in Poughkeepsie have dropped dramatically in the past year. Analysts believe that this can be attributed to the fact that there are less people to murder in the city. “After the light breeze carried away about half of the population last summer, and a steady set of murders has helped to reduce the rest, the numbers show that more people have already been murdered than there are left to murder,” says Martha Samson, professor of stickology at Vassar College. What these two dimensional beings consider a great tragedy, this reporter feels is a great event. Those little buggers stole my ‘picinic’ basket!







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