Where Are They Now? The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
The first installment in a sometime series

“Cowabunga!” was most definitely the best phrase to come out of the Eighties, but who among us can remember the group who made its use popular? It was the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, those green adolescents whose fame brought them millions yet forever confined them to the sewers of New York City. It has been nearly a decade now since the Boys in Green – yes, the Boys in Green – have been heard from, but Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, and Michelangelo are still among us, and have much to say.

“Radical!” exclaimed Michelangelo, the first of the Turtles I managed to track down. “An interview!” The one-time carefree party turtle is … still a carefree party turtle, now earning a living by deejaying high school dances and parties in the suburbs of NYC. “I definitely like to get my groove on, and helping all the kids who grew up idolizing me get their groove on is just … tubular.” Teens in the area familiar with Michelangelo say he’s a decent deejay, but a little too enthusiastic about his job. “I mean, it was cool watching him on TV when I was a little kid, and it’s great for him he deejays,” said one area teen, “but it’s really creepy when he shows up uninvited at our private house parties with his equipment. Sometimes I see his truck just parked by our school, for no reason, like he’s watching us or something. And then that thing he does when we’re drinking where he jumps through closed windows swinging his nunchucks or whatever yelling “Cowabunga!” – this guy’s a f---ing psycho.”

Raphael is a reformed turtle, he tells me. A few years ago, when the turtles were still operating together, he had gotten so sick of taking commands (taking “crap,” as he called it) from Leonardo that he stabbed Leonardo 17 times with his sai blades before being subdued by the others and, following a quick trial, carted off to a federal prison. Raphael is still there, but he has been working at turning his cynicism and anger into a standup comedy routine involving the death of Dennis Leary.

Donatello has gone on to greater heights than one might believe possible for a cartoon, or even live-action, television character. The turtle took his passion for technology and, within a year after the disbanding of the group, was heading a cartel in the Soviet satellite arms trade. “Anti-tank weapons, surface-to-air missiles, compact napalm launchers, pinpoint laser guidance systems, anthrax, sarin, VX – CHEAP!” said the message on Donatello’s answering service. “Also available: Armageddon weapons, time-traveling machines, cold-fusion engines, and good old-fashioned Dimension X supersoldiers! Press 3 to here this message repeated in Kurd.”

Leonardo has aged more than he has gained years. His recovery from Raphael’s stabs was slow, and he is confined to a wheel chair. However, the rest of his body and mind have become sharper than ever before: he is now CEO and chairman of UPN, and an honorary member of the Nation of Islam. “Living in the sewers for years, protecting the rich white elitists of New England while being feared by them, lead me to a new outlook on the imjustices of society. That’s why I became a producer. A few years at UPN introducing comedies to appeal to other demographics of society, and pretty soon I was running the whole show, so to speak. Now, feel free to make any comments about the quality of UPN programming you like,” he said as a large metal sword came out from behind him and sank into the wall next to my ear. “Oh, would you like a complementary action figurine of me?”







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