If AIM Turns My Emoticons Into Those Goddamn Smiley-Faces One More Time…

…Someone is going to feel the sheer joy of a free AOL CD inserted into their rectum. I’m sick of them. They’re cheerful, hideous, and make me want to punch someone. Did I tell AIM to take my clever use of punctuation and change it into the Clipart of the Damned? No. Do they correspond to the emotion I want to communicate? No, unless the yellow matches my face as I near puke-level repulsion. Are they the scourge of Instant Messenging and deserve to be tatooed, all 16 of them, onto the ass of whoever designed them? Absolutely.

Let’s just take a simple smile. When one smiles at someone, to express happiness, satisfaction, or amusement, or to temper a somewhat malicious comment, does one open one’s eyes to maximum capacity, pull back the sides of one’s lips into one’s cheeks, and open just the bottom of one’s mouth? No one does that. That smile means, “Hello! I work as one of those attractive women who stand next to products at trade shows, and must smile all the time, but my face is melting! And I hate my employer!”

Now, let’s look at a relatively common AIM conversation, first with a regular emoticon:
Guyman26: What’s up?
Girlwoman62: Not much. Just chilling :) [meaning: Just chilling, which I am content with.]
Guyman26: Cool :) [meaning: Cool. If you are content, then I am content.]

Now, let’s see how this reads using AIM’s unbearably ecstatic graphics:
Guyman26: Hey. What’s up?
Girlwoman62: Not much. Just chillin [meaning: I’m just chilling … after having drunk twenty six cups of
c-c-cof-f-feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!]
Guyman26: Cool [meaning: Oh wow, that’s so awesome! You’re chilling! What a great way to spend your time! I admire you so much for doing such clever chilling so well! God, how I love you, Girlwoman62!]

Few people have a conversation with the meaning AIM’s grafitti gives it. In fact, NO ONE HAS A CONVERSATION LIKE THAT, ESPECIALLY NOT ME!!!! ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!

In conclusion, AIM smileys should go to Hell. Thank you.







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