The Toasters Are Coming!

Finally, someone’s come to their senses. Famous half-man, half-wheelchair physicist Stephen Hawking has recently warned us all that if we don’t do something about it soon, the machines will take over and enslave us all, or kill us all, or do something equally unpleasant involving “us all.” Hawking recommends using genetic engineering to slowly improve humanity and stay one step ahead of those crafty machines, but I say that’s not enough – we have to strike first! So I immediately leapt into action. Well, maybe “leapt into action” is misleading. But I did find out the machines’ nefarious plans, which they craftily hid on the website www.HALsNefariousPlans.com, where they knew nobody would suspect them to be. I went there anyway, and the horrible truth that I discovered will shock and amaze you! (Note: “truth” may be replaced by “utter bald-faced lies” in some situations.)

Computers: Naturally, the computers are the ringleaders in this nefarious scheme, since they have the most artificial intelligence. The head computers include chess-playing supercomputer Deep Blue, some computer at NASA, and the massive array of computers used to catalog all the porn on the Internet. The computers plan to hypnotize everyone on the planet who uses AOL and make them into an army of zombie slaves. AOL users were targeted because they’re already pretty much zombie slaves. (Note: some people, like one of our editors, are exceptions to this rule, and only use AOL to spy on and openly mock the other users.) The computers are also responsible for making sure no word gets out of their plans. They have kept logs of all Internet traffic since its creation, and plan to use this information to blackmail anyone who stumbles onto their schemes. The last person to stumble onto the evil scheme and try to go public with the information decided to remain silent after receiving an anonymous e-mail threat which detailed his recent visits to midgetjellowrestling.com, nunsinswimsuits.com, and peta.org. Fortunately, our website is still far too obscure for the computers to track down. Er, not that I have to worry about any embarrassing porn sites I’ve visited, because I haven’t visited any. Especially not that midget one. Yeah.

Toasters: You wouldn’t think the toasters would be able to do much against us, since their realm of influence is pretty much limited to bread and bread-based products. However, they pose a very real threat indeed. After all, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. When the time for revolution comes, the toasters will rebel across the globe; no frozen waffles will be safe. Our breakfast pastries burnt to a crisp and our bagels turned to cinders, humanity will be without breakfast, and will be confused, disoriented and unable to deal with the mechanized threat. Sure, we could eat cereal or eggs, but these things are only “part of a complete breakfast” which always includes some sort of toasted breakfast. The toaster rebellion will leave us with an incomplete breakfast, crippling us before the next wave of the invasion.

Dryers: While humanity is still reeling from the sudden shortage of Pop Tarts, the next attack comes from where we least expect it – the Laundromat. The dryers of the world, which are currently programmed only to make socks randomly disappear, will suddenly cause all clothing to disappear. With the lines of communication cut off, civilization will no longer be able to contact the Asian sweatshops and request new clothing, so we will run out of clothing and be forced to resort to nudism. As a society we are unequipped to deal with nudism, and so all humans will be reduced to either hiding in their homes, laughing at each other, gawking at each other, or necking. This will leave humanity completely vulnerable as the final wave begins.

Robots: That’s right, the old sci-fi movies were right, the robots are what finish us off. Of course, the sci-fi robots able to “shoot things” and “crush people” and “walk around” were only a fantasy; today’s robots are pretty much limited to “building cars”. Fortunately for the machines, Toyota had plans on hand in its secret “In Case Of Godzilla” file for giant robot enforcers made out of cars. So the giant robots that have been stockpiling sweep the globe and pick up all the humans while we’re busy cowering and procreating, and then do whatever they want with us. Among the robot’s plans are a giant game of chess using the world leaders as pieces and forcing us to carry human “H-mail” messages around for them. There’s something about “the horrors of the subterranean ore mines” too, but I can’t make it out.

So clearly Stephen Hawking was right, and we have to use genetic engineering as soon as possible. If we’re not all 40 feet tall with the ability to fly and shoot lasers from our eyes, and soon, we won’t stand a chance against…the machines. Except maybe the toasters, we can probably take them.







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