Local Shopper Discovers "He Is There"

King of Prussia, PA - Saturday shopper and physicist James Hamton discovered this past weekend that, as the map indicated, he was there. "It said, 'You are here,'" Hamton commented. "I was shocked by this discovery; it defies all scientific laws about the locations and movements of particles through spacetime."

Hamton was so thrilled by his discovery that he forgot to continue walking to Brooks Brothers, where his wife had told him to buy a shirt. "What about the inability to know a particle's location and velocity at the same time?! What about Schrodinger's cat? What about Newton's laws?! It's mindboggling!! Boggling, I say!"

The implications of Hamton's awareness of his whereabouts were significant. He was far from the food court, where he'd gone for a light snack, and he was too near Lord and Taylor's, which he described as a "veritable" black hole his wife dragged him in to. Hamton then launched into a mathematical proof of how such a statement about the location of an object could be tracked, followed by an oral report on what various philosophers and theologians had said about man's ability to know his own purpose.

This author pushed him aside, located FAO Schwartz, and left Hamton contemplating how he could use his discovery to find his car in the parking lot.







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