This feature is known as “Fake Science Corner”. Some newspapers have a “Science Corner” where they answer reader’s questions about science, but that’s boring, and nobody ever remembers the explanations anyway. So we’ve taken the concept and upped the entertainment value. If you have a question you want us to answer on Fake Science Corner, write us at editors@finelineonline.com. This week, we answer questions about stochastics.

Q:Fine Line Online, what is stochastics?
A: Stochastics is the science of using of mathematical equations and models to predict the future. For instance, Morgan’s Conversational Algorithm can predict with 95 percent accuracy exactly what you will say next.

Q: Horsehockey. There’s no way a stupid equation can know what I’m going to say.
A: Just look: The integral of 2(Ignorance about stochastics)dx times cos(inclination to disagree)dx times
(gullibility)^-1 + (unwillingness to say ‘bullshit’) = “horsehockey”.

Q: That’s creepy. So what else can stochastics predict?
A: There are many stochastic models, and each can predict various things. Fine Line Online likes to employ Wilthem’s Comedic Device Indicator, which, for some reason, uses nearly the same concepts as Murphy’s Personal Injury Algorithm. Either one gives a good picture of what that bear over there is about to do.

Q: What bea—Aaaaaaaaggggghhhhhhhh!
A: No, no, not that one. The other one, behind you.

Q: Aaaeeeyyyeeeeeeeee!!! How do I get out of this?!?!
A: Hmm. Grimm’s Fairytale Formula indicates a favorable outcome if you give back the porridge.

Q: Whew! That was close. I’m not sure I like stochastics; it seems to be the tool of pessimists and market analysts. Does it ever predict anything good?
A: No. But you should see what’s coming next. It all starts when Lucy Lawless runs for Congress, and [segment deleted for graphic violence, explicit sexuality, and blatant Communist propaganda] … so that’s how Dan Quayle leads the robot army to victory over the empire.

Q: That’s horrible!
A: We knew you’d say that.







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