Time for yet another new feature here at the Fine Line Online! How do we do it? No, really, if you know how we do it, please tell us. Usually we just wake up out of a haze and see new articles lying around. Anyway, this feature is called “Fake Science Corner”. Some newspapers have a “Science Corner” where they answer reader’s questions about science, but that’s boring, and nobody ever remembers the explanations anyway. So we’ve taken the concept and upped the entertainment value. If you have a question you want us to answer on Fake Science Corner, write us at editors@finelineonline.com. This week, we answer questions about global warming.

Q: What causes global warming?
A: There is no one cause for global warming, and the list of possible contributing factors numbers into the hundreds. The major contributors are industrial pollution, radio waves carrying Rush Limbaugh’s talk show, evil capitalist fat-cats burning piles of dollar bills in their backyards, magic greenhouse-effect pixies, and some numbers that don’t seem to mean anything. They make a really convincing-looking chart, though.


Q: Why should I care about global warming?
A: If the planet gets too hot, then all the snow and ice at the poles will melt. This can cause a number of problems. One problem, according to former U.S. President Bill Clinton: “If the world keeps growing for the next 50 years warmer as it has for the last decade, you're going to see some of the small nations in the Pacific actually flooded.” Mr. Clinton is worried about this because if all the Pacific islands are flooded he won’t have any tropical paradises left to retire to by the time he’s conned enough money to buy one. Also, if all the ice melts, the world’s supply of ice cubes will be cut off, and everyone’s drinks will be warm.


Q: So what can I do about it?
A: Send money to us. Of course, nobody knows how to fix the problem yet, but if you send money to scientists they’ll probably just waste it on solid-gold oscilloscopes and time-traveling Deloreans. On the other hand, if you give us more money, we can use it to write more columns like this and raise awareness of the problem. At least one person somewhere must know how to fix the problem, and since they haven’t done it yet, that must mean they’re not aware of the problem yet. In conclusion, send money. The more, the better. Then you can sit back and have your chilled beverage of choice, content in the knowledge that the ice of tomorrow is safe. Until we come up with the next catastrophic threat.







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