Somewhere in the uncharted Carribean, where copyright laws are someone else’s problem and ‘X’ marks the spot (or the close-program box, depending on who you are), the ship’s bell rings! The opponents are sizing each other up: in one corner, representing Internet bootleggers everywhere, is 455h013man; in the other, representing high-seas pegleggers everywhere else, is the infamous Marauding Mauvebeard!

This could be a short bout, ladies and gentlemen, as Marauding Mauvebeard has not one but two hooks for hands, a wooden leg, and numerous communicable tropical diseases, while 455h013man appears to be a scrawny 14-year-old from Oregon! What will this poor kid do?! Marauding Mauvebeard is quickly approaching, slashing the air with his hooks!! 455h013man does the only thing it would seem he knows how to do: he makes an illegal copy of Mauvebeard! He sets the second Mauvebeard on the first, and as they jab at each other, 455h013man ducks for cover!

But the original Mauvebeard has something the second does not- a license! He downloads the free updates for his registered version of himself, which correct his vision and enhance his performance speed – the illegal Mauvebeard clone is downed and hurled overboard! Mauvebeard turns his attention to 455h013man, who had been trying to pawn his copies over the Web to get some quick cash to buy a real weapon! Unfortunately, a ship’s magazine isn’t the best place to set up a wireless internet connection! Mauvebeard wheels around one of his ship’s cannons, lights the fuses, and says, “Arrrrr!” 455h013man barely gets out of the way in time! The entire back of the ship explodes! The smoke clears, but the ship is going down! The contestants cling to pieces of driftwood as they are washed ashore onto the nearest tropical isle!

Immediately, 455h013man opens his watersoaked laptop, trying once again to get some money to buy a weapon! Unfortunately, the market has been flooded by illegal copies, and his games are worth nothing! He begins to search for some hard currency! But what’s Mauvebeard looking at? Why, something is gleaming in the rocks! 455h013man chases after as Mauvebeard grabs handfuls of the yellow gleaming substance which forever tempts pirates! Soon both contestants are carrying heaps of the stuff to the nearest jewelry store to cash in on it! They wait patiently as the manager inspects the ore, but he presses an alarm and in a moment both contestants are arrested for attempting to sell Fool’s Gold as real gold! Yes, the winner is – not a software pirate, not a real pirate, but – forgive us – Pyrite!

The Winner: Puns everywhere!







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