Apocalypse Cow

Apparently, we're all going to die. Not in the usual meaning of "we'll all die eventually of old age, heart attacks, and being hit by parked cars" - we're talking the all-at-once, end of the world but we don't feel fine kind of "we're all going to die." What's going to kill us, you ask? What do you mean you didn't ask that? Well screw you, it's just a figure of speech. Anyway, this time we're not going to die to anything obvious, like giant rocks from space, Soviet nukes, or ice-nine - no, our enemy this time is far more sinister. We're going to be killed by nature.

Now, it may seem to you that this isn't a new idea at all. Tree-hugging hippies have been telling us for years that the environment is a fragile, delicate balance, and mankind is destroying it. According to the environmentalists, every time you smoke a cigarette, 30 species of rare dung beetle die out somewhere in the rainforest. Whenever you drive your SUV to work, you're punching holes in the ozone layer and flash-frying several penguins in Antarctica. And that toothpick you're using has the blood of spotted owls all over it. Figuratively speaking, unless you just had extra-rare spotted owl for dinner. The supposed end result of all this inadvertent destruction being that the environment would be destroyed completely, and we'd all die because we can't breathe "lack of air" or because we'd fall into the Earth's molten core or something.

This is all very worrisome, but what most people fail to realize is that anyone who truly believes the above is, in fact, full of it. No, the environment is much, much stronger than the environmentalists would have us believe. We're going to be killed by the environment, all right, but not because we're actively trying to destroy it. In fact, the environment is actively trying to destroy us. Through painstaking research (which may or may not have included making stuff up because I'm lazy), I have uncovered most of nature's vile weapons of doom and destruction; once you see the following, you'll agree with me that we have no choice but to put a stop to nature's reign of terror before it's too late.

Volcanoes
The first stop on our tour of devastation is the volcano. A volcano is a giant mountain that occasionally spews fireballs, ash and molten lava out of its top, destroying and killing everything in its path for miles around. And some people are worried about us destroying nature? While not many of us remember the Pompeii disaster first-hand, volcanoes are still around today, like the one in Africa that just went off. Apparently, many of the people killed by this volcano were killed when it made a gas station explode. Given that a single gas station, which was already pretty much run dry by looters, managed to kill 50 people, it's clearly just a matter of time until a volcano erupts in an OPEC nation and we all die in a giant oily inferno. Our only chance is to use up all the oil before it can detonate, so if you don't already own 2 or 3 SUVs, make up the difference by leaving the motor running even when you're not in the car.
How to deal with them: Run like hell. There's really nothing else to do. Well, you can try sacrificing a virgin or two, but that's only a temporary fix.

Hurricanes
Yes, hurricanes, yet another force of nature that we can't do much about. Damn you, nature, damn you to hell! A hurricane is basically just a lot of wind and water, which seems harmless until you realize there's a fencepost sticking through you, at which point it's too late to do anything about it anyway. Most people just abandon their houses and head for the hills when a hurricane is approaching, although some will stay behind to loot or possibly to defend their collection of commemorative plates. This process is called "natural selection in action."
How to deal with them: I sure can't think of anything, it's a huge storm so you can't hurt it. Our best chance is probably to hold a gun to a California condor's head and try to get nature to negotiate.

Water
You don't think of water as being really dangerous, because it's everywhere. That's exactly what nature wants you to believe. Floods, swimming pools, and improperly-stored sponges kill a number of people each year by drowning. Besides that, giant tidal waves called "tsunami" constantly destroy stuff over in Japan, thus threatening to wipe out the world's only source for super-violent, pornographic cartoons.
How to deal with it: Jell-O mix. Lots and lots of Jell-O mix. The government has already seized the rights to Jell-O and begun wartime production; within 5 years the Pacific Ocean will be completely safe, or 7 years if they add strawberry flavoring.

Lightning
Yet another one of nature’s direct attempts to mock humanity. When the potato battery was first invented, the inventor was ecstatic that he could get two or three volts out of it. Nature immediately said “Oh yeah?” and ran a few million volts through him, both impressing him and killing him instantly. As we all know, lightning is threatening to wipe out humanity’s entire population of golfers, because it is naturally attracted to the color plaid. Since all rich people play golf, 90% of the money in the U.S. will immediately be subject to the inheritance tax and will thus go mostly to the federal government, which will then proceed to foolishly spend it on conservation programs and national parks, furthering nature’s evil schemes.
How to deal with it: It’s too difficult to place giant lightning rods around every golf course, so a better solution is to strap a lightning rod to each golfer’s caddy, drawing the lightning away. The caddies would be replaced as necessary. Also, all the members of Greenpeace, PETA, and similar double-agents for the environment should be rounded up and forced to be caddies, thus solving two problems at once.

Global Warming
Yes, you read that correctly, global warming. As it turns out, cows farting produce ridiculously large amounts of methane, so that nature itself is contributing to global warming. This brings us to the chilling realization that global warming must be good for nature.
How to deal with it: Clearly there are way too many cows, so we need to call the experts: aliens. Aliens have had lots of practice with mutilating and abducting cows, and I’m sure they’d be thrilled to take them off our hands. Plus, we might be able to convince them to lay off the anal probing in exchange. Hick farmers will be generally opposed to losing their cows, but in favor of stopping the anal probings, so it all works out nicely.

Trees Falling on People
If a tree falls and no one’s around, it may not make a sound, but it sure as hell makes a sound when it falls and crushes you to death. Sure, it looks like trees can’t move on their own, but they’re actually just holding really still to lull us into a false sense of security. Canada alone has enough trees to kill us all three times over, which provides yet another reason not to live in Canada, as if you really needed another.
How to deal with them: Teams of lumberjack bodyguards, following you around with chainsaws. Recreational use of Agent Orange will also help us out here.

City-Destroying Monsters
It’s common knowledge that whenever we manage to wrong nature somehow, Godzilla or one of his compatriots tend to show up and start knocking over skyscrapers and fish paste factories. Occasionally they’ll show up supposedly to save us, but I don’t buy it. If they were really on our side, they could help us out without breathing atomic fire all over our cities.
How to deal with them: Consult the Japanese. If movies have taught us anything, it’s that the Japanese always have some sort of anti-monster weapon up their sleeves, whether it’s a freeze bomb, experimental airplane that does something vague, or a fruity-looking giant robot.

And that's just the beginning. Nature's just toying with us for now - when it really comes after us we'll probably have to deal with trees that wander around eating people and such. Clearly we have to kill the environment before it kills us. But how? All we've managed to achieve so far is some smog over Los Angeles, a hole in the ozone layer, and a global temperature increase of 0.4 degrees or so, and we're not even sure about the last two. Not wanting to present this problem and just leave everyone cowering in abject terror, I've come up with a few suggestions.

Killdozer
Sure, battle tanks are fine if you’re fighting against other humans, but armor-piercing rounds are just inefficient against your average sapling. The Killdozer is optimized for mowing down trees and other plants, small woodland creatures, large woodland creatures, and pretty much anything else. It’s based on the “first blade cuts, second blade lifts away” principle, except that the word “blade” is replaced with “hundreds of rotating razor-sharp knives.” The Killdozer is powered by a mixture of unrefined coal, crude oil, and those really nasty-smelling scented candles.

DDTthrower
I don’t actually need to describe this one, do I? Come on, it’s really obvious.

Evil Corporate Fatcat Decoy
It’s common knowledge for anyone who’s ever seen a movie that any anti-environmental efforts are always led by an evil businessman. This means that when nature attacks, it will target the evil businessmen first. Hence the Evil Corporate Fatcat Decoy. Using the latest animatronic technology, this decoy is able to smoke cigars lit with hundred-dollar bills, laugh maniacally at nothing in particular, and pour barrels of indeterminately toxic green stuff into pristine woodlands.

Valdez Oil Pipeline
Oil spills are a great weapon against nature, but it really isn’t convenient to load all that oil into a ship, get the captain drunk off his ass, and let him go in treacherous Arctic waters every time we want to create one. Thus, the Valdez oil pipeline. This pipeline will be run right from the heart of the Alaska Wildlife Refuge, of course, but rather than bringing the oil south to the U.S., this pipeline will be run directly into the Pacific Ocean. Ah, modern convenience.

Fire Trucks
No, not the kind that puts out fires, the other kind. Since incineration is generally bad for the environment, these trucks will be tasked with driving around in search of flammable, toxic things to burn. Already on the target list are tobacco plantations, garbage dumps, and any small woodland creatures that manage to escape the Killdozers.

Toxic Waste Factories
Taking yet another lesson from the movies, these factories, while apparently not producing anything useful or serving any purpose to the community, will spew out hundreds of gallons of toxic sludge a day into a local river. The sludge can be made green, brown, or greenish-brown, depending on the aesthetic tastes of the local residents.

If we build all of the above right away, we just might stand a chance of finishing nature off. Sure, the air might be a little hard to breathe and the overall atmosphere might be a little post-apocalyptic, but it's better than being carried off by a giant bird and fed to its chicks. Unfortunately, destroying the natural balance takes time, so you should all start doing your part today. Eat more steak. Don't separate your brown glass from your green glass. Instead of walking down the driveway to get the newspaper, drive. Knock down any birdhouses you or your neighbors might have unwittingly put up. Swerve towards anything non-human that may be on or near the road. Burn copies of "50 Things You Can Do To Save The Planet" on your front lawn. And do not, I repeat, do NOT roll naked in the grass; no matter how fun you think it is, that's just an open invitation for nature to strike. It won't be easy destroying the planet, but we have to succeed - after all, it's us or them.







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