Yes, it’s time for another “Fake Science Corner”! Some newspapers have a “Science Corner” where they answer readers’ questions about science, but that’s boring, and nobody ever remembers the explanations anyway. So we’ve taken the concept and upped the entertainment value. If you have a question you want us to answer on Fake Science Corner, write us at editors@finelineonline.com. This week, we answer questions about radiation.

Q: What is radiation?
A: Radiation was discovered in the 1940’s by Albert Einstein and a bunch of German guys with names that are really hard to spell. Radiation is mostly created by setting off nuclear explosions, although it can also come from cell phones, power lines, electric toothbrushes, and pine-scented air fresheners. Radiation has been used frequently throughout history for such diverse purposes as “intentionally killing Japanese” at and “unintentionally killing Russians.”

Q: So why is radiation worth writing a column about?
A: Like pretty much anything that anyone ever writes about, radiation is dangerous. It’s inherently deadly for two reasons: one, nobody really understands what it is; and two, it’s invisible, and thus can sneak up on you unawares. In fact, while there is no real physical description of what radiation is, most scientists recommend that you visualize radiation as “a giant invisible monster, like in that Predator movie, that likes to sneak up on people and kill them.” Of course, radiation is way too sneaky to just wander around beheading people. It kills you slowly, so you can’t notice immediately, with things like cancer and…well, mostly cancer.

Q: So just cancer?
A: Well, there’s also mutation. Radiation can randomly change the genetic code of anything living, causing it to grow extra limbs, or start glowing green, or something. Besides threatening to make us all ugly, like that one episode of the Twilight Zone, mutation might also create horrible new animals, like shark/tiger combinations and piranhas that can swim in the air instead of the water. And I’m sure radiation is responsible for lots of other stuff, and we just don’t know it yet. I mean, it’s invisible. And it’s hard to understand. Did I mention that it’s invisible? Invisible things are scary.

Q: What can I do about it?
A: Nothing, really. You can minimize your contact with radiation by moving to the middle of Nebraska and covering the outside of your house with tinfoil, but that’s not a practical solution for most of us, plus there isn’t enough room in Nebraska. Oh, and if you haven’t seen Predator, you should probably watch that and take notes on how to find and kill invisible monsters, that might help. Oh, and send us money. We like money. And money is…uh…radioactive! It’s green, right? Better send it to us quick, we’ll put it in a secure place called a “safe deposit box” where it won’t bother you anymore.







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